


Camping?

by DictionaryWrites2



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Cute, Fluff, Funny, Gen, Humor, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 20:47:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18645829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DictionaryWrites2/pseuds/DictionaryWrites2
Summary: Crowley says he and Aziraphale will take the Them wherever they want to go.Adam picks the worst where imaginable.





	Camping?

**Author's Note:**

> Felt like playing around with the screenplay format after making the two AU scripts where Good Omens is Rated M (NSFW links) [here](https://patricianandclerk.tumblr.com/post/184491270939/more-leaks-from-the-go-where-crowley-and) and [here](https://patricianandclerk.tumblr.com/post/184517077369/invalidating-crowley-and-aziraphales-asexual), and thought I'd do it with something a bit more wholesome.

**EXT. TADFIELD - DAY**

 

It is a bright summer's day in Tadfield, a year after

the failed apocalypse. The sun is shining

over green meadows and hills, and we pan over the

countryside before we zoom in onto the picnic green. In the

background foreground, we initially see **CROWLEY** , a demon, in

tight jeans and a t-shirt that says F*** COPS, sitting

across a picnic table from **ADAM YOUNG,** the Antichrist

(retired) and **PEPPER**. Each are dressed in standard, casual

fare for a summer's day.  The children are regarding the

demon with great scepticism as he tells various stories,

most of them untrue, about his part in the Renaissance.

 

In the background, which we steadily approach, two boys, one

markedly bigger than the other, are half-heartedly and

wrongly approaching a game of cricket. **BRIAN** , a large boy

with a shirt stained with unnameable sauces, is holding a

tennis ball and scowling at **WENSLEYDALE** , a small and

bespectacled boy holding a cricket bat. Looking on with some

anxiety, his hands on his hips and his brow furrowed in

concern, is the angel **AZIRAPHALE**. Aziraphale and Wensleydale

share a stylist, albeit from two very different points in

his life: each is dressed in very neat, very proper clothing

belonging to an era bygone by some seventy years, although

Wensleydale's clothes are blue and white instead of brown

and tawny, and comparatively dust-free.

 

**BRIAN**

                (with accusation)

          I thought you said you knew the

          rules.

 

**WENSLEYDALE**

          I do know the rules. It's a very

          interesting game. But that's a

          tennis ball, not a cricket ball,

          and if we play with that--

 

**BRIAN**

          The cricket ball was too heavy!

 

**WENSLEYDALE**

          It's supposed to be heavy.

 

**BRIAN**

          Don't know how you're meant to play

          a ballgame with a heavy ball. It'll

          hardly go very far!

 

**WENSLEYDALE**

          It isn't meant to go very far. It's

          cricket, not baseball.

 

                     **BRIAN**

          What's the difference?

 

                       **WENSLEYDALE**

          They're different games.

 

The boys stare at each other, at an impasse. By unspoken

agreement, they turn as one to Aziraphale, who looks

horrified to be called upon.

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

          Well, I did point out that cricket

          would be difficult with just the

          two of you, in any case.

 

                      **BRIAN**

          But cricket was your idea!

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

          In fact, it was not. I believe

          you'll find that when Anthony said

          something rather rude, I said,

          "that's just not cricket", and you,

          dear, said, "I've never played

          cricket, let's play that."

 

                       **WENSLEYDALE**

          You brought it up, then.

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

                (defeated)

          Well, yes, but I--

 

                      **BRIAN**

          I'm bored of cricket. It's a stupid

          game anyway.

 

                      **WENSLEYDALE**

          No, it isn't! We just need more

          people.

 

                      **BRIAN**

          Let's go do something else.

 

                      **WENSLEYDALE**

          Like what?

 

Another impasse. They look once more to Aziraphale, who is

visibly uncertain and uncomfortable with the pressure of

choice. Looking wildly around, he points.

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

          Goodness, isn't that a tall tree!

 

                      **WENSLEYDALE**

          No.

 

                      **BRIAN**

          Not really.

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

                (with forced enthusiasm)

          It does look dreadfully difficult

          to climb, though. I wonder which of

          you might be quickest at doing so?

 

This seems to be the ticket. The two boys rush off.

Aziraphale exhales, and slumps forward, putting his head in

his hands for a few moments.

 

                      **BRIAN**

          Come on, Mr Fell!

 

                       **WENSLEYDALE**

          Would you please time us, Mr Fell?

 

Aziraphale looks reluctantly up from his plump palms,

peeking from between his fingers, but we see a weak, tired  
 smile tug at his lips.

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

          Yes, yes, boys, I'm coming.

 

As Aziraphale walks with effort after the boys, we look back

to Crowley, Adam, and Pepper. Crowley is sipping from the

straw of a tall glass, complete with umbrella and little

plastic monkey, that has appeared from nowhere.

 

                       **CROWLEY**

          Well, you can't mean to tell me you

          don't have ANY plans.

 

                      **ADAM**

          Well, there's no point planning

          everything, is there? Everything's

          planned at school. I hate planning

          things.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Planning things takes out the

          spontaneity, anyway. If you plan

          everything, everything's boring,

          because you expect it, don't you?

 

                      **ADAM**

          Unless you plan for things that you

          don't expect.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          But then how do you plan for them?

 

Sensing an oncoming phenomenological argument, Crowley

interrupts.

 

                       **CROWLEY**

          Well, no, I'm not saying you should

          plan EVERYTHING, but you've got,

          what, twelve weekends of summer

          left? So maybe pick three of those,

          and pick something to do. Me and

          Ezra will take you somewhere, if

          your parents are busy, we don't

          mind.

 

                      **ADAM**

                (leaning forward,

                 apparently very

                 interested)

          Really?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Well, yeah. Your parents seem to

          have taken on that we're distant

          uncles or cousins or whatever it

          was you told them. You can even

          come down to ours for a weekend, if

          you just want a change of scenery,

          but we could fit the four of you in

          the car.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          How would you fit the four of us in

          your car?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

                (looking put-upon)

          Well, I'll show you. Fits two grown

          men and four kids, easy.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Have you remembered to put

          seatbelts in it?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Yes.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Did you do that because Mr Fell

          shouted at you the last time?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          He didn't shout at me. He--

          Emphasised.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          He emphasised very loudly.

 

                      **ADAM**

                (not paying attention to

                 Pepper and Crowley's

                 discussion at all)

          What sort of places?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

                (raises his eyebrows, put

                 on the spot)

          Er, well, I don't know. The sort of

          thing that's always in leaflets at

          the supermarket, or when you go

          somewhere. Attractions. There's

          nothing wrong with a good

          attraction. Er, a zoo? Botanical

          gardens?

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Why do they call it a botanical

          garden?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

                (slumps slightly, sensing

                 that this is going to be

                 a difficult question)

          What's that, Pep?

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Well, botany is plants, right? But

          all gardens have plants. So why is

          it a botanical gardens? All gardens

          are botanical gardens.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Er--

 

                      **ADAM**

          Why do zoos keep all the animals

          locked up for? They should be

          allowed to roam free.

 

                       **CROWLEY**

          That may be so, but they probably

          shouldn't roam free in Oxfordshire,

          so if you're planning the Great

          Escape: Rhinocerous Edition in your

          head, I'll probably take zoos off

          the list, if that's alright with

          you.

 

                      **ADAM**

          But you're-- (he looks around, and

          lowers his voice) -- a demon. You

          should be alright with causing

          mischief and that.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Adam Young, I am retired. I answer

          to a much higher authority than

          Hell, now.

 

                      **ADAM**

          What's that?

 

Crowley looks meaningfully to Aziraphale, who is sitting,

out of breath and very red in the face, on the lowest branch

of the tree some distance away, as Wensleydale and Brian

unsuccessfully attempt to coax him further up and into it.

 

                      **ADAM**

          Oh, right. Well, he's all for

          freedom.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          If you can get him on board with

          releasing animals at the zoo, I

          will cede to your expertise, but

          I've tried it twice on him, and he

          scolded me both times.

 

                      **ADAM**

          That was in the olden times,

          though.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          One of them was June, 2012,

          actually, but that's neither here

          nor there.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          What sort of things do you like to

          do?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Me? Oh, I'm up for anything,

          really. I like gardens, hedge

          mazes, stuff like that. There's the

          Alnwick Poison Gardens, you'd like

          them, but it's a bit of a drive.

          We'd probably want to take you for

          a weekend or something, instead of

          just for a day out - the Duchess of

          Northumberland has set up this

          whole garden, and it's all

          poisonous planets, you know. Very

          pretty.

 

                      **ADAM**

          Can you eat them?

 

                       **CROWLEY**

          You COULD. I wouldn't advise it.

 

                      **ADAM**

          No, but I mean, like, what's the

          point in going to a poison museum

          if you're not gonna get poisoned?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

                (stumped for a second)

          Well, what's the point in going to

          any museum?

 

                      **ADAM**

          Exactly, they're boring.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Right...

 

                      **PEPPER**

          What about golfing?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

                (eyebrows raised)

          Are you big on golf?

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Not like, normal, boring golf.

          That's stupid.

 

                       **CROWLEY**

          Of course.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          You know, like, CRAZY golf. Like,

          there's a windmill and a clown or

          it's in the dark or something.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

                (nodding uncertainly)

          Well, yeah, that'd be alright, I

          think. Let's see... Probably take

          you to some mini golf thing in

          Brighton, take you for lunch, and

          then, I dunno, how about an

          aquarium?

 

                       **ADAM**

          Oh, YEAH, I'd LOVE to go an

          aquarium!

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Doesn't meet the same objection as

          the zoo, I see.

 

                      **ADAM**

          Well, why would it?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Bec-- Never mind.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Would you take us to a theme park?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          What, like, Disneyland?

 

                      **PEPPER**

          No, my mum says Disney teaches us

          misogyny and internalised racism.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Well, yeah, that's true, I suppose,

          but--

 

                      **PEPPER**

          No, like, Thorpe Park, or Alton

          Towers.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          With the big, uh, rollercoasters

          and that?

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Yeah!

 

                      **ADAM**

          That'd be cool.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Alright. Probably not Thorpe Park,

          I think that's mostly big rides,

          and you'd probably not be tall

          enough.

 

                      **ADAM**

          I could make 'em think I was tall

          enough.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          You absolutely could not. How would

          that look to your parents, eh? Oh,

          here's Uncle Ezra and Uncle Anthony

          back from Thorpe Park, and there's

          Adam, and they've put him in a

          useful little bag because he's mush

          from falling off a roller coaster.

 

                      **ADAM**

          I wouldn't fall.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

                (scoffing)

          You wouldn't, yeah, 'cause I'd not

          take you. I'll take you to Thorpe

          Park when I can trust I won't have

          to pour the bits of you back into

          my car.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          What about... Sailing?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Sailing?

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Yeah. You know. In a boat.

 

                      CROWLEY

(reluctantly)

          I'm familiar with the concept.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Well, would you take us sailing?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          I'd take you on a BOAT. I don't

          know anything about sailing.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Aren't you REALLY old?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          I'm not THAT old.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Why can't you sail if you're so

          old? Why didn't you learn?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Well, I never had to. Someone else

          did the sailing, whenever I was on

          a boat. That's the best way to do

          it.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          That's what I'm saying. We'd be on

          the boat, and you and Mr Fell'd do

          the sailing.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

                (raises his eyebrows,

                 lowers his sunglasses,

                 and looks at her

                 seriously)

          YOU think Mr Fell would do some

          sailing? Adam's Uncle Ezra Fell? My

          Mr Fell? The one over there?

 

We look back to Aziraphale, Wensleydale, and Brian. Brian

and Wensleydale are hanging upside down from their branches:

Aziraphale's eyes are squeezed very tightly shut, and he is

hugging bodily to the branch.

 

                       **CROWLEY**

          That Mr Fell?

 

                      **PEPPER**

          He could do that from a mast.

 

Crowley laughs.

 

                      **ADAM**

          What about... Camping?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Camping?

 

                       **ADAM**

          Yeah, you know. Camping. Like, with

          tents, and a campfire, and stuff.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Why in Go-- Why would you want to

          do that?

 

                      **ADAM**

          It's fun. They do it in the Boy's

          Handbook.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Yes, well, the boys in the Boy's

          Handbook didn't have smartphones or

          electric blankets, very

          uncivilized, they were.

 

                      **ADAM**

          It looks fun!

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          You'd hate it.

 

                      **ADAM**

                (defiantly)

          I wouldn't!

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Adam, I'll take you lot wherever

          you want, our treat. We'll take you

          abroad, if you like.

 

**ADAM**

          What do we want to go abroad for?

          We can camp here, we'd just have to

          drive to like, a campsite.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Adam--

 

                      **ADAM**

          You said you'd take us wherever we

          want!

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Well, yeah, but--

 

                      **ADAM**

          And I want to go camping.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Me too. It looks fun. But I should

          get my own tent.

 

                      **ADAM**

          No, we should all share a tent, all

          six of us.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          How about I pick up a two-room

          tent, right? A room for me and Mr

          Fell, and a room for you four.

 

                      **ADAM**

                (suspiciously)

          I don't want a big fancy tent. That

          takes the fun out of it.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

                (muttering)

          I didn't know there was fun in it.

 

                      **ADAM**

          I want like... You know, like, a

          proper tent. Like they have in the

          Boy's Handbook.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          So, a bivouac? What you're

          imagining is some big rocks and a

          tarpaulin and a few ropes, and we

          can all sleep on the cold hard

          ground?

 

                      **ADAM**

                (with enthusiasm)

          Yeah!

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          No.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          I don't want that either. We should

          have like, sleeping bags and stuff,

          and a nice tent, but not like, a

          huge tent. Because it it's a really

          big tent, we may as well go in a

          caravan, or GLAMPING.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          What's wrong with glamping?

          Glamping is where the glam is. Who

          doesn't want some glam?

 

                      **ADAM**

          Me.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Me.

 

As Crowley looks defeatedly between the two of them,

Wensleydale and Brian, who have now approached, Brian

covered in leaves and mud and twigs, Wensleydale perfectly

presentable, chime in.

 

**WENSLEYDALE & BRIAN**

          Me!

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          You don't even know what we're on

          about!

 

Aziraphale, who gently pats Wensleydale and Brian's

shoulders before coming to sit beside Crowley, gives him a

mildly disapproving look.

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

          Yes, dear, but they do like to be

          included.

 

                      **ADAM**

          You and Anthony are going to take

          us camping!

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

                (with a frozen smile)

          Would you like to place a wager on

          that?

 

                      **ADAM**

          He said so.

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

                (turning to stare at

                 Crowley, baffled and

                 concerned)

          DID he?

                (in an undertone)

          Are you feeling alright, dear boy?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

                (grabbing hold of

                 Aziraphale's hand)

          I suggested zoos, angel! Gardens! I

          suggested France!

 

                      **PEPPER**

          No, you didn't.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          I was going to, but I was met with

          "What do we want to go abroad for?"

 

                       **PEPPER**

          I'd go to France.

 

                      **ADAM**

                (stubbornly)

          I wouldn't.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

                (looks powerlessly at

                 Aziraphale)

          See?

 

                       **BRIAN**

          What's happening?

 

                      **ADAM**

          Anthony says he'll take us anywhere

          we want, except for where we want

          to go.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

                (indignant)

          That is NOT--

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

                (patting his hand)

          Now, now, dear. I'm sure it was

          just that Anthony was thinking of

          attractions and what-not, hm? You

          four could easily camp here in

          Tadfield, without our involvement.

          We'd be happy to get a tent for

          you.

 

                      **ADAM**

          Aren't we meant to be spending

          quality time together?

 

                       **AZIRAPHALE**

                (sweetly)

          Yes, but there's very little

          quality time to be found in a tent,

          let alone at a campsite.

 

                      **WENSLEYDALE**

          It would be very educational. You

          could show us different plants, Mr

          Crowley. I've always wanted to

          learn the differences between wild

          mushrooms and flowers.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          You don't know the difference

          between mushrooms and flowers?

 

                      **WENSLEYDALE**

          I meant different wild mushrooms

          and flowers.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          They are pretty different, yeah.

 

Wensleydale frowns.

 

                      **BRIAN**

          That sounds like lots of fun. We

          could watch badgers!

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

                (weakly)

          Badgers?

 

                      **BRIAN**

          Yeah, like, find one of their pairs

          or collections or whatever--

 

                      CROWLEY

                (rubbing his temples)

          Setts.

 

                      **BRIAN**

          And watch 'em.

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

          Oh, I don't think badgers want to

          be watched.

 

                      **BRIAN**

          Sure, they do. Haven't you seen

          Springwatch?

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

          Yes, but I don't think that the

          badgers--

 

                       **ADAM**

          AND you could teach us all these

          campfire songs you keep going on

          about.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          You could bring a guitar!

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          I don't play the guitar.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Well, what DO you play?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          The piano, or the accordion. Take

          your pick.

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

(thoughtfully)

          I can't play the guitar, but I do

          play a rather mean ukelele.

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Angel!

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

          Well, they do seem very set on it,

          dear.

 

                      **ADAM**

          That settles it, then. We'll go

          camping. This weekend!

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Next weekend.

 

                      **ADAM**

          Why not this weekend?

 

                      **CROWLEY**

          Because I don't want to go.

 

Adam and Crowley stare for a very long moment at one

another, until Aziraphale, glancing anxiously between the

two of them, intervenes.

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

          In the mean time, er, where were

          you discussing?

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Golf.

 

                      **AZIRAPHALE**

          Golf? I didn't take you for a

          golfer, dear.

 

                      **PEPPER**

          Not NORMAL golf...

 

                     

**Author's Note:**

> Hit me up [on Dreamwidth](https://dictionarywrites.dreamwidth.org/2287.html). You can send requests [on Tumblr](http://patricianandclerk.tumblr.com/ask), too. Requests always open.
> 
> Please, please remember to comment and let me know what you think!


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